And That’s The Way It Ends…

381Ten years made of a year of solid friendship, two years of courtship and seven years of marriage. That’s what it came down to, as we stood before a room full of strange people dressed in black and white, for whom we were reduced to just another case of “Divorce By Mutual Consent”. Ironically, that is what the past two years had become, black and white, with no shades of grey, in any sense of the now uber-popular phrase.

Looking back, the last seven years have been a turmoil; we both ended up being people we never were, possibly a sign that we both refused to see from the start, that we were never meant to be anything to each other but close and caring friends. However, it would’ve been wrong to say our relationship was platonic; the courtship had moments that I continue to cherish, but that is a story that will stay between him and me forever.

Although I married a not-even-close-to-perfect man that I truly believe I needed and had in my life, he was my first many things. And even though there will be people better than him, he will continue to be my first everything as a young adult, and for that I choose to remain eternally grateful to him.

With all of that behind me now, and after feeling everything from affection, to respect, to utter annoyance, disgust, and even hatred, I have come to terms with the episode that I endured, the longest and possibly the bitterest of my life. The journey of healing has been difficult; the social setup we live in make it very suffocating to be ourselves at times like this. I fell, I stumbled, I limped back on my feet, but most importantly, I learnt how to take care of my dignity. And I learnt how to ensure that the relationship I was in was never maligned; it may have ended, but it left me a much mature, grown up and better person. I still may not know what I am looking for, but after him, I know what I categorically don’t want.

Being married to a rather possessive person, it meant for 10 years, friendships became warzone in the relationship, and such relationships were being practised as secret cult meetings. Despite it all, and although they are not physically around, I had my “guys” whenever I needed them. When I chose to feel loved, it rained affection.

And I am glad, despite all that happened, he and I still have the maturity and blessings to continue being each others 2 AM friends, a promise I made with no malice, guilt, or regret. I’m happy for him too, being the person who broke him down, and made him cry (Yes, I do feel the pain despite being wronged through it all), I’m glad I can still wipe away his tears and be there for him. After all, weren’t we supposed to stay like that anyway?

A Happy After-life…To The Ones Who Survive!

It is hard to feel the loss of something that you have not experienced in its entirety. Yet when you do come around feeling that loss, it takes a lot of energy to deal with the stagnant flow of rhetoric questions that your mind throws at you.  That is exactly what happens when your first love lets go of you. It is much, much later that you fully realise the significance of all the experiences that you had and the ones that you could’ve had.

It’s not often that you are treated to a piece of heaven, and when the doors snaps shut it takes a part of your soul. But it’s never too late to grieve for a loss: the realisation is not always sudden.

However, life is not always a bed of roses. Sometimes, you are lucky enough to realise that you pulled yourself away just in time to hurt yourself further. Some firsts in life can leave you with bitter taste too.

Living a life beyond a ‘boulevard of broken dreams’ can be tough, but then again, memories are sometimes the best reminder of times well spent and a wholesome life. It is healthy to hold on to memories; sometime that’s all you get.

And sometimes you will meet people who will give you the full truth about the one you lost, good, bad, ugly and nasty without candy flossing things and no strings attached. That way it’s not a fantasy in your head you are holding on to, but respect for a relationship that didn’t survive.

In the end, it’s easy to like a pure soul, but it’s better to love something more tangible and real which you can manage to love despite all its flaws, that too beyond a lifetime of reality and existence.

Too Much Heaven (The Beegees)
Nobody gets too much heaven no more,
It’s much harder to come by,
I’m waiting in line.
Nobody gets too much love anymore,
It’s as high as a mountain,
And harder to climb,

Oh you and me girl,
Got a lot of love in store,
And it flows through you,
And it flows through me,
And I love you so much more.

Than my life…
I can see beyond forever,
Ev’rything we are will never die,
Loving’s such a beautiful thing.

Oh you make my world, a summer day,
Are you just a dream to fade away?

Nobody gets too much heaven no more,
It’s much harder to come by,
I’m waiting in line.

Nobody gets too much love anymore,
It’s as high as a mountain
,And harder to climb.

You and me girl, got a highway to the sky,
We can turn away from the night and day,
And the tears you had to cry.

You’re my life…
I can see a new tomorrow,
Ev’rything we are will never die,
Loving’s such a beautiful thing,

When you are to me, the light above,
Made for all to see our precious love.
Nobody gets too much heaven no more,

It’s much harder to come by,
I’m waiting in line.
Nobody gets too much love anymore,
It’s as high as a mountain,
And harder to climb.

Love is such a beautiful thing,
You make my world a summer day,
Are you just a dream to fade away?

Nobody gets too much heaven no more,
It’s much harder to come by,
I’m waiting in line.
Nobody gets too much love anymore,
It’s as high as a mountain,
And harder to climb.

Nobody gets too much love anymore,
It’s as wide as a river and harder to cross.
Nobody gets too much heaven no more,
It’s much harder to come by,
I’m waiting in line.

Nobody gets too much love anymore,
It’s as high as a mountain,
And harder to climb…